“Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown has a new novel coming out in May. You can read an advance copy by reading his last novel.” –Stephen Colbert

Things That Have Happened Since I Last Posted:

1.  Due to a family emergency, we now have a new roommate. A member of Ben’s family living with us for the time being. I’ll refer to him as GSP from now on because it’s a little eerie because he looks exactly like George St Pierre. In case your husband doesn’t make you watch UFC like mine does, and you have no idea who George St Pierre is here is a picture:


This picture alone might not be enough. You might have had to see this fellow fight to really grasp how slightly disconcerting it is to have his doppelganger live with you. He’s been here since early December and so far things are going well. This is in despite of the fact that we had no forewarning that it would happen, and no time to prepare. In fact, we’ve been house hunting in hopes of moving to a larger place.

2. The plague. As Stephen Colbert said, “The flu has gone viral!” The bright side of this plague which my husband hath wrought on our house is that now when I say Placebo (or any other band I don’t like) is so bad that they makes my ears bleed I can actually prove it.

The doctor’s office moved Ben to poetry:
“Chillin’ at urgent care
breathin’ filthy air
This time I’m dyin I swear”

It just moved GSP to vomit. After not keeping any food down for days, he was so dehydrated they had to give him fluids via IV. This has all been going for three weeks now. I just wish for it to end already. All three of us have been miserable.

3. We became ratters. For over a year, my grandmother has complained of muskrats under her house. She has called three exterminators, but none have been successful so we went out there in December.
Good news: the rats were gone.
Bad news: Snakes are the reason they’re gone

Here’s a picture Ben took of what he found as soon as he entered the crawl space:


The skin continues up behind the insulation and comes down in another break in it. There were several of these skins on the ground. This one was just creepy because it was hanging out from above the insulation, like he just slithered right out of it onto the ground.

4. Now you can decide whether Ben’s wearing this suit because of #2 or #3:

5. New Years. Ben made plenty of resolutions for everyone. These were his for this year:

1) Buy a death machine assault rifle with 70 rd banana clips before ban
2) Shoot some deer and possibly pigs.
3) Learn to dance like Keith Apicary
4) Weigh 275lbs and be ~12% BF
5) Learn to love cats (and kittens)
6) Do more drugs, the amphetamine class is underutilized
7) Become the stable one in this relationship
8) Stop punching inanimate objects (that are softer than steel)
9) Go. Get. It. (G-O-G-E-T-I-T)
10) Stay about my business
11) High-priced lifestyle
12) Ball till I fall
13) Punch a horse (knock it out)
14) Write will (with measures to make sure it is followed to the letter)
15) Read more (anarchist doctrines and manifestos)
16) Learn to paint portraits and murals (oils, watercolors are for girls)
17) Kill a Canadian polar bear with a spear
18) Bring the hide back to the US and make a rug out of it
19) Travel to somewhere I have never been, besides Canada.
20) Get to bed earlier, get more sleep.
21) Teach my dog to retrieve my pistol via voice commands
22) Use force of will to grow less body hair
23) Eat a vegetable or two
24) Develop a useful personality disorder
25) Follow my dreams
26) Make my wishes come true
27) Visualize success
28) Attract money via good vibrations
29) Make peace with the Gods of all major religions
30) Be more judgmental and opinionated
31) Make a concerted effort to be less friendly to strangers
32) Finish my 12 page resume (starts with how I was fluent in a new language before the age of 5)
33) Rent a safe deposit box and put bloody gloves in it
34) Prioritize looting targets (Pharmacy, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, etc)
35) Strive to achieve an unparalleled level of annoyance to others
36) Make meaningful relationships based on logical criteria

Obviously, my New Year’s Resolution is to keep Ben from his goals. It’s a difficult job stomping on his dreams, but someone has to do it.

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